I assure..!!

If loneliness hits your heart,

Or things seem to fall apart,

If darkness creeps in 

Or if you feel low,

Closing you eyes, 

Why don't just go with the flow..!

If smiles would fade in,

Or light around might seem dim,

I assure you, I'll be there,

Just by your side,

No matter if life takes a turn,

Or if you choose to take stride..!!

If times seem unfair,

Or look around in despair,

If essence changes,

Or Feelings fade out,

Even if love disappears,

I'll surround you if you feel left out..!!!




If someday you breach,


and I am out of reach,


if gentle thoughts ember,


and life seem out of place,


Nothing being tentative, I'll come,


Making sure that my sound give you solace..!!

Adios Mumbai..!

Many options I had; just too many to rely on. Just a lot to struggle for and think about over and over. The state of indecision made me anxious. Just so tired and lifeless. Which way I should choose? Should I keep trying or just let the fate take me where it thinks I belong? Confusions and more of them. Just too much to take.

Okie it all what I have written sounds really heavy but trust me It really was though it was just about choosing a college out of six completely nice options I had. Moving away from the city, friends, people I love the most, my family, the atmosphere I was used to, the sea shore, marine drive and so many other things wasn't that easy but some how I have to manage.

I moved here 2 years back leaving my all college memories behind, my friends, loved ones everyone and everything behind. I still remember those days when I used to sit by the window seeing people roaming with their friends and really cry loud with tears at home. It was me who used to walk alone on the road thinking no one would really care if I even get lost in the madding every time running crowd. But slowly it grew on me and I grew matured with it. The locals and the rains. The Street Foods at the Sea Shore. Walking in the sand bare foot not realizing when the sky grew darker. Seeing the sunset sitting on Marine Drive and seeing those friends laughing. Everything just so special, too much to remember and even lot to love about.

So here is the day I am sitting here writing my last post from Mumbai. I may come back to the city but not any time soon for sure. May be in a year or can be never. I am moving to Bangalore tomorrow; the pub city or Garden city or Silicon Valley of India. Life takes you every where you never even thought you would ever move to. So I am moving from here; bidding good bye to the city I could feel mine after long, the city which made me fall in love with it. The city which adapted me within so smoothly.  

   

Silent Words..!

For that one tiny moment I felt I was really gagged. There was a lot to say but it seemed like words got stuck in my throat. How many times I had imagined this converstaion on this particular moment thinking that I was being omitted and left out or almost forgetton. How many nights I spent wetting my pillows, I even lost the count of them. There were  so many questions but no one could answer even one.

I felt a flood of tears coming out but I had to mantain this patient somehow a bit longer. The voice which used to make my world thrill in one instant and I thought was lost; was there again,  standing right there in front of me. 


No questions were asked and no answers given. The moment just passed in the silence with the gaze and everything seemed just so perfect once again. 

And the Usual Stuff..!

"I am so sorry honey that I am again late” This was the 1^st thing he could say once he entered home.

“You know what hon; this is not something which is not erratic and now even I am used to it. It’s fine. It hardly affects me now. Any way how was the party? You must have had too much fun that you had forgotten that we had plans?” I was already irritated with this behavior. I mean for how long one can take this over and over.

“No babe, it’s not like that. Let me at least clarify it and give reasoning” and I was all set to hear a new story with so many lies in luminous background. I couldn’t really understand that how much time it would take him to understand that he actually cannot lie to a journalist-to-be as I wouldn’t take any time to find the truth out.

“There was this one bad omen so I could not leave the place early. I had to stay there for longer.” He tried his best to make sense.

I smiled and moved toward kitchen to clean dishes.

“Man, how you always figure out my lies? Hey, you already had food?” He sounded amazed.

“Yeah, I had and now I think I just started knowing you so well.”  How predictable things become I thought.  

That Divine Beauty..!

Beauty lies underneath the human skin, in the heart and soul then no matter if someone has wrinkly skin, dark complexion or even ugly face. This is something which gives you immense pleasure when you even think about it. Being a part of something like this is truly divine in itself. 

Whenever I think of true beauty, humanity and living for it an incident creeps in my mind. A very old incident which really made me think deeply about our life and the motive of living.

Few years back when I was young and around 15-16 year old. When I hardly had any clue about what life really is; was selected for a Desert trekking Camp held at Bikaner, Rajasthan, India. I was the youngest participant so was being cared by everyone. In desert where greenery was hardly seen and water wasn't at all available, I was nearly dying with thrust. I had already walked 2-3 Km surviving on few drops every now and then. We all were running out of water and the next stoppage was only after 5 more Km. I felt the world going dark under the burning and smoking heat in that month of May. 


No sign of any human being too. Just when I thought I would now collapse we heard a sound of Camel coming from somewhere nearby. A ray of hope crept in. We rushed towards that to find a small hut with grass made up and man standing next to his camel there. I felt breathe of relief going down my spine. It was a Pyau (A place where water is kept in pots for the travelers).

I was so happy that I almost ran towards it. There was this old very dark lady with wrinkled hands and face or everywhere. She had large white spots on her body. I didn’t really find it hygienic. As my face expresses a lot about what I think, Pankaj (An elder guy in his early 20's who took care of me during whole trip) pulled me back towards him.

"Stop making faces. it doesn't look good. Drink water". He whispered.

"Yeah, but she is so ugly. What if her hands are not washed? What if there would be germs in water? What if I fall sick? No, I won't have water from here." But I had no option. Looking at her hands, her cloths, her face I had water. I was about to cry with frustration.

I think that woman sensed the fear in my eyes. Smiling she called me with a gentle voice and said something which I don't remember exactly word by word but the meaning was "If you living for yourself, it’s not bad but if you living only for yourself then your life is not even worth living. You might be scared of doing something you don't know about but if you scared of doing something which you know is good for you, which is foolishness."

That time I thought those things was irrelevant but after hearing about her story from that camel rider I just knew what she was talking about.

Her husband was died in a war when she was just 27. At that delicate age her in-laws threw her out of house calling her a curse on family and thought her disease was a proof of that. They told her to leave and never show her ugly face. 


She had nowhere to go. She roamed everywhere and then finally opened this place for water from the money government gave her and was living there since then. She was bit literate so she started teaching small girls and their parents gave her food for that. 

It’s been 50 years and things have been same since then. People came and tried to give her money but she always refused. There were funds for that place to renovate and she used them for the same. A true example of living for the land who gave you birth. No desires, conditions and expectations, just a Nobel cause. So visible but still living in the Fog..!

Though there were plenty of gossips about her but still the goddess went on living for a cause to make that difference..!! To spread something which she never got; Love..!

She was beautiful, truly blessed with beauty. Divine Beauty...!!!

What Defines What!!

The cold breeze and that first drizzle in Mumbai. That green view out of damp balcony and the cup of coffee. The air playing with your hair and the drops kissing the forehead. Skidding kids with those tiny boats in water and laughter. What else you can ask for a perfect Saturday morning. I looked at the window and thought of painting my thoughts on the canvas.

As soon as a gathered my thoughts to create my new masterpiece; a communication of few years back crept in my mind. The weather, city, and cup of coffee, drizzle everything was just same but I wasn't.

A 21 year old very next door girl for whom life was easy, who was still in the dream land and in her own small comfort zone.

"Hey, see the new story I have written and see the poem too. Tell me how does it sound?" It was me asking my best friend, for his opinion which was needed in every tiny thing I did.

"Put it on the table, I'll see once I get some free time." As usual there was lack of time.

"See now no please. Just see it once; I really need to post it today." Giving up comes really hard to you sometimes.

"Ok." listening it was a pleasure.

"Fine they are." A cold response he gave me after a good 10 minutes of scrolling up and down on the screen.

"Okay. Hey, you know what I was thinking to make my career in Advertising and creative communication. I am planning to pursue this course. What do you think?" I gave him the form of the college. This was much needed, support and guidance.

"I don't know about doing the course and all but you are not creative than why to do that?" He looked at me as if it was really hard for him to believe this.

"Am I not? But it’s you only who say that I am. Any ways, than what creativity really is?" I was not incensed but really surprised.

"Yeah, I mean you can write things, make things up but not creative. It’s like you do nothing creative. Creative people are different. They are always busy doing something creative and do new things." and he went into his work again.

I stood there, keeping that form of the Advertising Institute in hand, looking at him in amusement. It’s not that I don't agree that people keep doing creative stuff but after working for 9 hours towards survival and 3 hours of travelling in pollution, what does he expect me to do. How do I make him understand that creativity needs a space, its own space to breathe and the important thing how do you define it.

For me it comes in the way you talk, you smile, you make someone happy, the special you make someone feel, the pinch of every small surprise you give, a single note or line, everything which is unique in itself is creative.

What do you think?

When Lives need Help..!

I moved a bit further. I went near her. Looked at the face which must have been young and glowing before these fine wrinkles made their home on that.

I said looking at her basket "Give me a dozen. How much for?" She looked at me and smiled.

"A hundred" she replied slowly. May be the killing heat affected her so badly. 

I took the bag from her, she lifted her both hands to give blessings and smiled. I moved on, feeling happy that I might have helped her in some way. To me she resembled someone.

Thinking of these people who have to work like this even after this age is of resting and be in comfort. A remember that story my great grand dad used to tell us.

Few years back there was this one lady who moved to India leaving her fine and lavish life behind for taking care of homeless and rejected people. To spread some love among those who were not that fortunate.

The world passed by that footpath on what there was this a kid lying from like a day or more and no one seemed to even bothered. That dark and rainy night in which a sleek figure was walking down the street without even an umbrella. She stopped by there, looking at that thin tiny boy, she sat down. She took his hand in hers to feel his nerves and kept it back on the floor. She looked up at the sky and jointed her hands to pray. Lifted the kid in her Arms and walked off. To a place where he can get some peace at least after dying. so that even they can get the sleep which we all have. A sleep of relief and peace.

She was Agnes who was known as Teresa. Mother Teresa. 

May be we all need her once again and even stronger. 

Unfinished Jobs..!!

"Lets get married next year..! What say?" I heard and almost spilled the coffee with shock and laughter.

 

"What..!!! What does that supposed to mean." I said sipping the relishing coffee with the cake, looking at his face glowing with smile.

 

"Stop fooling around" I managed to say and burst out laughing.

 

"Hmm, what made it sound foolish by the way?" He asked seriously.

 

"What?" I looked at him with amusement.

 

He said nothing but kept smiling. A smile which was different from any other ordinary day.

 

"No no no no no...! It can not be happening. You really mean that. Are you serious? Really? On Shit; good god, , Mercy please." I said in terror.

 

"What.!" His smile faded. He seemed taken aback.

 

"See, we are not even in a relationship. We are just friends for god sake. I never even thought about it ever that way. How do you expect me to react? We are just in final year of gradution and its still not over yet. I am any which ways leaving the city next month. There are still so many things we have to think about like our further studies and career. I think you should take some time and think about it." I tried to sound as grown up I could.

May be I always knew it but wasn't just ready to accept the way it was.

He didn't say anything, just nodded. May be because he knew me so well. Discussion was over.

 

The knock on the door brought me back into the present.

 

"Who is it?" I asked. What a bad timing I thought. 

No response. I opened the door to find an enevelope lieng on the doorstep.

 

My visa application was granted for Spain. Now I had everything. 

Satisfactory life, fun friends and a job which keeps me busy travelling. But I missed him, his presence, his support, the best friend I ever had in life with whom I never needed to speak my emotions or anything out.

 

That was the last conversation we had sitting together before I had left. After that we had met online so many times and even spoke on phone for few minutes but the lack warmth could be felt.

For those who "Matter"..!!

A note about visiting an "Old Age Home"...!!


"Merry Christmas" I said and smiled,

Seeing all the lights and wishes piled..

Ain't you happy seeing faces around,

What stops you to make any sound..!

She looked at me without any movement,

All I could see there was no excitement..

I could feel the storm behind that calm look,

Seemed there was nothing left for her to brook..!

I looked around at those other hundred feet,

Being happy was hard as life was discreet..

Those hands who made their kids walk every mile,

How they could put them away just like in a while.!! 

Questions and even more of them..!!

We do feel empty and alone quite often, don't we? 

Life seems meaningless and peculiar, doesn't it? 

What do we want to generate and live basically? What is it really of which need we are not able to figure out and then fabricate?  

May be its just a change in the routine life we all are seeking but knowingly or unknowingly we refuse to adopt it or may be its just our belief system is so adamant that we don't even want to get out of it and face the reality.

Are we really so weak to face it or its just we don't want to get out of our comfort zone even if it doesn't give us the same comfort which we used to feel being teenagers. 

Too many questions on a tiny brain and a trap of feelings and thoughts all around. Which way to go and what to follow; deciding this is not as easy as it sounds.  

What seems the best is only an escape form everything what bothers you but it isn't so easy..!

Is it...???

A new Story!!

I stopped and looked back at him,

That glow of my face had become dim,

He waved his hand at me with a smile,

We'll be walking away now every mile,

That love and care suddenly seemed to fade,

We never knew life even has this dark shade,

The pain may was identical or may not be,

Feeling was different as it wasn't any spree;

I felt an ache in head as things came like volley,

Dual state of mind but pretends to take it easily;

It was the time that we bid each other good bye,

We knew it wont be easy but we had to try,

I walked off thinking about that each day of glory,

then thought but this is the beginning of a new story!!

That Way!!

You do feel tantalize,

Things get complicated

Sometimes even before you realize,

Reality haunting all around,

Then heart crave for ease,

Ears wait to hear just one sound,


You wake next day with a smile,
Everything seems different
Like instant; just in a while,

Love is dainty, if you care,

Just look at it carefully

You just need to be aware.

Even Before You Know It!!

I looked at the clock. The time didn’t seem to move only. The situation was fidgeted.

"Damn!!! Can't sleep" I screamed.

Though I have been thinking about so many things; observed every minute thing of my room; still it was only quarter past eleven in night.The wait really seemed never ending.

Sleeping on the bed I looked at my phone so many times. The wait and the feeling almost made me anxious. It was like someone just enters in your life, becomes really so important and you still wondering about what it is.

Though just friends was just too less to mention; It wasn’t like I was felling in love but I never felt this affinity for anyone ever before. It was different. A different feeling and attachment for what I could not get any answers. The more I tried to be reasonable to myself the more complicated it was getting. Something I can not explain. Suddenly it seemed like my “A Open Book” life had a mystery within. A trap which looks all solved until you really try to solve it.

And a beep made me come back in reality from my wonder thoughts land. I looked at the phone and picked up. I felt an unknown smile gliding across my lips. ‘All questions has answers’ I used to think; well, not anymore.

What Makes A Difference!!

Sitting on the edge of that broken bed; I looked at that thin black figure lying down on the same bed near me. Her senses were blacking out with every breathe she tried to take.

“Life isn’t fair and juicy always but still you have to live with it. Either accept it or put your entire self into it to make it according to you” I thought.

Dealing with domestic violence all her life and now struggling with death still she didn’t want to file a complaint against her husband. It really stressed me out. Need of education and improvement of life was clearly seen.

I couldn’t help it or do anything but it made my determination of working for society towards the improvement, even stronger. To do something what really makes a difference. 

If I could have just one wish!!

       If I could have just one wish,

I would tell the time to rewind in blink,

       If I could have just one wish,

I would meet you out there once again,

      If I could have just one wish,

We would fall deep in love once again; 

      If I could have just one wish,

I would have you all over once again;

       If I could have just one wish,

I would see you smiling around again;

      If I could have just one wish,
I would have asked god to be bit kind; 


        If I could have just one wish,

I wouldn’t let you go you away anyhow,

       If I could have just one wish,

You would see how alone I am here now,

       
        If I could have just one wish,

You could see my life so empty without you;

        If I could have just one wish,

No occasion would have been without you;

        If I could have just one wish,

There would be love and only love all around;

       If I could have just one wish,

It would be only you or just all about you..

That Very Your Luck Effect!!!

Hahahahahahahahahaha Ooh God!!! Hahahahahahahahahaha!!

All right!! I am not sick, even not at all sick. Well, I might sound happy but I am not. I mean it’s nothing like that. It’s just a friend of mine just got a job because she was sick of sitting at home and giving exam over and over to get in some where for further studies from past one and half year. When they say heights of bad luck, I really can believe it now.

Okay! So what happened was she left home happily on the first day of her very first job, wearing really sexy heels and a decent outfit abut the karma started showing its effects.

How would you feel if on the first day of your job you don’t get a cab for half an hour and then some riche rich handsome guy comes and gives you lift? Well, it really happened, she din't get a cab and the riche rich guy came, but instead of giving her lift, his car splashed mud almost all over her outfit with its sexy smooth tiers, leaving her tainted and she couldn’t do anything except shouting from behind.

That mud she removed with the water bottle she was carrying but this wasn’t it. The fate had something else stored for her. She walked down on the street in search for a cab and the fate again showed its charm. Because of a hole in the poorly maintained road from BMC (Bombay Municipal Corporation); her heels got stuck and broke because of her great effort. This was it. She lost the patience left in her and shouted “Taxiiiiii” and a cab really came for rescue. Thank god!!

She reached station and paid the cab driver from the money she kept in her pocket for convenience so she wouldn’t have to search for wallet if she is in hurry. Smart, isn’t she.

She rushed to ticket counter only to find that she has forgotten her wallet at home in hurry and is left with only 5 bucks which is not even enough to reach office, forget about coming back. As we all know, forgetting wallet means neither cash nor cards. She looked around for some help.

People were rushing to their destinations without even caring about anyone, all blind. Well, that is what Mumbai is all about. No one cares about your existence or problems and yes, it was quite plausible in the fast paced life.  She was there; standing still, left wondering how this all shit can happen in just one day with her. She had no option but to walk back home which meant complete one hour walking under the sun.

Well, she called me almost every time to ask what should be done now, but alas, these corporate meetings sometimes take ages to finish so could not pick up. Its not something I did willingly. But she wasn't willing to understand. Any way, is there still any need to say that I didn’t hear her voice for next complete One Week? 

Changes Unexpected!!

He shouted abruptly “No, not anymore, I am really much done. I can’t handle your drama now. I am tired of giving explanations to you over and over. Something is stuck in your mind so you can’t think anything else now.”


And he kept saying but I hang up and the phone. I could not hear anymore as I broke into tears.


He would not understand. Being a guy he won’t understand how much it hurts. I was amazed as he also knew what he meant for me. Like a Kernel he had become for me lately. My whole life started revolving around him only. He was like essence of my life, much needed and even important than my own existence.


Words hurt more than the acts. Couldn’t he be more decent or polite a bit? How hurt I was, couldn’t he imagine. He shouted on me in front of people who don’t even know me. Where was my fault? Was it loving him a lot or caring for him??


The thing he used to feel even in absence now seem drama to him. My emotions now seem over reaction to him. My concern seem over possessiveness to him. Yes!! I couldn't wield my heart and I can not ever.


I could not understand where the charm we were loosing or where the warmth flied. His whole world used to be between my arms. He used to forget his all work pressure or tension with me.


Where are we moving to?? My sad heart really craved for ease.




From 3WW:-


From Three words Wednesday http://www.threewordwednesday.com/

Moving through the Storm!!

It wasn’t so easy for me to live on that land of lies where once I built the house of my dreams.


I really never thought of being away even for a day from the Person who took my breaths away and gave a meaning to my life, a person, whom I considered my soul mate.


All those talks, chats, drive, dinners, walks, smiles, night outs, dances and I don’t know how many things more seemed meaningless and this news came like an earthquake in my life that destroyed all my hopes. I felt like all my feelings got ridiculed. With no matter on being loved I thought of just being quite and let it all go with the flow of my tears.


Yes, I did. I did cry and tears dint even want to stop. He did something too. He cheated on me or may be he just slipped off his loyalty. But I felt cheated. Who wouldn’t? Everyone would. Am I just overreacting or what I am thinking is true? Could he? Dint the thought of all the years we spent together crept in his mind once? Or he just ignored it for the sake of a night? Was she pretty? Or was she a whore?? Did she make a move or what if he did??


Thoughts made me restless. The more I thought even more I got stuck. I was devastated. Life seemed all blank. But I had to make my mind. I had to put a stop, well, at least somewhere. Felt like someone whispered in my ear, “let it go. Loosen your grip, just let it go”.


This was it. I did it again. I proved myself strong. And I decided to move on. To walk on a new way with no one beside. Just me with my new hopes.


Tough it broke me from inside and moved my world upside down; I absolved him without even making a Hiss after all who wants to get their feelings ridiculed. Not me at the least.


From Three words Wednesday http://www.threewordwednesday.com/

I was!!

It was an ordinary day just like every other day of her life. She got up in the morning, after all the routine left for office, again slept in the cab and after whole day of struggling with mails and release orders finally came home back in no hurry. Yeah, in no hurry.

I never felt her so idle and unstable. It seemed like something was badly disturbing her in somewhere deep down which she is not even able to take out. Like every day there was neither that bounce in her walk when she left for home or the warmth in voice the way we felt when she used to talk. I never felt her presence so quite and calm. I could not recognize her at all as she was not the same what she used to be. There wasn’t that friendly smile because of what she had so many friends and for what they used to love her.

Things seemed to be changed since she left from here because a girl who never stopped talking and laughing for no reason now hardly talks and smiles to people. Even tough if she tries she feels why to fake, as it wasn’t hard to smile for her ever. A girl who never cared for future and whatever is happening around, is now more concerned about how others will feel, no matter how much it hurts her. Getting hurt was never even known to her. Pain was a thing of some other universe to her. Everyone was just same for her; every body has the same importance. No priorities or anything. Her life was like another fairy tale and yeah, they do exist.

A girl who never expected much from life as she always got everything even before she thought of it. She had no problems at her own; even she knew how to turn teary eyes into smiley cheeks. A girl who never even gave mind a sec to think twice before doing or saying something, now keep talking in her mind but tongue doesn’t seem to support the brain.


God, I missed her. I missed the way things used to be.

I closed my eyes and tears rolled down on my cheeks, as I could not look at the mirror anymore.

My lost Identity!!!!!!

Today, when I was sitting there on marine drive, was constantly thinking about myself. I was sitting with friends but wasn't there mentaly..


I was thinking about "Is it OK to fight for your dreams? Is it fine to fight for things u love? Even if t hurts people you love? What's more important- making people happy or being happy?? whats more important-- let things happen or make them happen??"  Too many questions for a tiny brain.


Someone must be thinking I am loosing my mind but I know the truth. I am just in the search of the right path for myself. Whenever I look around me. I find people People too busy with their own lives. They seem to be with you but when u actually look into things deeply none is really there. Yeah, I know its not true for everyone but still I am not supposed to say that every relation is perfectly true or am I?


I must say when I think about things happening around, I find myself lost. Its not that I don't see it. I face it everyday but its not that easy to accept it. Whenever I feel low, just 1 thing comes in my mind- should I give up?? Why am I loosing hope?? Should I stop believing in things or myself.......... ?? I am scared of myself.. Sometimes I even think about commiting suicide too.(never mind, I made this one up, lol. I am really too coward to do that)..
But I wasn't like this ever,Ii wasn't negetive ever... Its getting very hard to smile now a days.. I never tried so hard to being happy... I used to believe in living life not just spending it for the sake coz you have to.. Seriously I don't even remember when I laughed so hard by heart last time..Many times I try to collect my thoughts together and wrap them up but not able to..


I want someone with real human touch which can ease my stress n depression away...